Desperate for Him

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One situation… involved a young man
He was the ocean… and I was the sand

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That song was written 18 years ago, but Lauryn’s words still speak truth today. Like Miss Hill, I too met a young man, and, on paper, everything appeared as if it would line up.

He seemed nice and respectful, like he had his head on straight. Our chemistry was undeniable. Plus he told me that I was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Now, what girl doesn’t want to hear that?

But I was desperate, and desperation is a dangerous place to find yourself.

See, I had been hurt from a previous relationship. Although a couple years had passed, I was still seeking to be healed.

And to be whole.

And to feel whole.

I had a desire—a want I mistakenly classified as a need—and I believed that this particular guy would be the one to fulfill it. I mean, why wouldn’t he? From the things he said, he seemed interested in me and I was becoming interested in him, so I assumed that forward was the only direction this could go.

We kick it and quickly things become physical (we’re not talking that physical, just kissing). Now, to be clear, 1) I’m very adamant about waiting until I am married and 2) it’s not my style to be all over a guy, especially physically. I tend to be very old school when it comes to my interactions with men.

This time I wanted to be open and let my guard down. I didn’t want to be the typical play-it-safe Shala. If I wanted to flirt a little; I would! And trust, if I felt like kissing this guy who I had only met a few months before, I was going to do it.

And I did…multiple times.

Now, we all know that physicality + emotions can = infatuation. And infatuation can distort your sense of judgment, especially when you’re desperate.

And man was I desperate.

As I got to know him a little more, I realized that I didn’t really care for the way he did some things nor did I agree with his views on certain topics and issues, but because I had entered the situation unguarded, desperation rerouted my mental GPS. Avoid: Wisdom Best Route: Emotion

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He stole my heart… like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses…and blurred my sight

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And for awhile I kept closing my eyes to his lack of texting me, lack of wanting to hang out, and lack of his behavior toward me lining up with the many words he had said about me.

Years ago I had already learned that when a man is interested, he will act like it. Period.

If he’s on it one day and then MIA the next, or if you find yourself always texting him first or asking him to spend time together, you gotta swallow your pride and accept the fact that

He’s. Just. Not. That. In. To. You.

As a woman, you are worthy to be pursued, and any man who isn’t willing to invest that time into the pursuit either isn’t for you or worthy to be with you.

Of course, it’s easier to say this in hindsight as I do my best Lauryn Hill impression, because although I knew this to be true, I looked past his inconsistent behavior and held onto the false sense of connection that I thought we had.

Besides, he would always make sure to hit me up every so often; it wasn’t like he had just completely stopped talking to me; so, his interest was still there, even if only a little, right?

Fast forward to this past summer. This mystery man is back in town after being away for work for the past few months. We reconnect and all is well.

Yet, instead of holding onto the truths I knew, I allowed my desperation to play with infatuation, and these two took me on a ride I would soon never forget.

This guy and I hang out one Friday night and have a pleasant time. As he hugs me goodbye, desperation kicks in.

“I feel like I want to kiss you goodbye” it says.

But he says no.

Now desperation and infatuation have to make room, because rejection is about to settle into my heart, and it’s bringing humiliation, frustration, and confusion right along for the pity party.

Why would I put myself out there like that?

I don’t need to beg any man; what’s wrong with me?

I have countless guys hoping for the chance to be with me, why lower myself because of him?

Many questions flooded my mind, the biggest being: Why doesn’t he want me?

See, he had said all these things, watched me for months, remembered numerous little details about me. It looked right on paper. This wasn’t supposed to happen this way. How could he so easily set me aside? Better yet, why?

Although the moment didn’t feel great, looking back, I am thankful for the pain because it wasn’t until I became so sick and disgusted with my behavior and my foolishness that I truly asked God to show me my heart—all the ugliness within it—and to show me the true “why” behind my actions.

And the Lord showed me how desperate I had been, years before I ever met this man. So desperately looking to be whole and feel complete. But my need was beyond what a mere human could fill.

Through this experience, God showed me that I hadn’t fully established my identity in Christ; I didn’t have a true revelation of who I was as a daughter of God. Because had that been my foundation, I would have never allowed a man to casually pick me up and put me down like I was an object to use at his own leisure.

The bible says that in Christ we are complete. There is no person, or thing, other than Jesus who can truly fulfill you. I was trying to hold onto the genuine chemistry that I thought me and this guy had because all of my life I sought a deep, inexplainable, soul-binding connection with a man, believing that this form of raw love and passion was what I needed.

My newfound revelation blew my mind, and I thank God every day for healing me and bringing me one step closer to being fully centered with and firmly rooted in my Lord. Yet one thing from this situation still held its grip on my heart.

Regret.

I knew that my actions were outside my character and I hadn’t shown him the real me. But what I regretted most was that throughout this entire situation, I hadn’t shown him a great representation of Christ. I presented the image of a fast, sexually driven, emotionally unstable, insecure girl instead of the confident, pure in heart, wise woman of God I knew myself to be.

The fact that I had somehow “failed” to properly represent a Christian woman really disappointed me, and I was not only filled with regret, but shame.

Please forgive me Lord, I would pray. I am sorry for misrepresenting you.

Yet, in His goodness, God opened my eyes after talking with a close friend.

 “You didn’t show him a good example,” she began. “You showed him a complete picture of Christ.”

MAKES.png

Let that sink in for a moment.

Isn’t my “road to redemption” what Christ is all about? Didn’t he die for sinners like me?

I am an imperfect human, yes. I am also a Christian. And although I strive to live my life for Jesus, I fall short, All. The. Time.

I am weak. I have insecurities. And there are moments when I allow my emotions to rule me and I make bad decisions.

I am a broken vessel, but I thank God for His everlasting mercy.

God loves me so much that instead of allowing me to continue down the desperate road of destruction, He corrected me, showing me the root issue of my actions so that I could be truly healed.

He loved me enough to not leave me desperate and confused even if that meant that I would have to be “undone” in front of this guy. My Heavenly Father chose my momentary humiliation for permanent healing. Forgiveness, second chances, grace and so much underserved mercy all work together to produce love—that is what being a Christian looks like. Jesus’ love saying “Whatever I have to do so you don’t miss your full potential.”

It is truly amazing.


I haven’t talked to this guy since my seemingly embarrassing moment; I don’t know what he thinks about me or if he even thinks about what happened at all (or cares for that matter). And I am at peace with that because out of all the things he said to me, I did find one to be true. He told me he knew God brought us into each other’s lives for a reason.

Now, I don’t know about his perspective, but I am thankful that through this experience, God was able to show me just how dangerous desperation can be…especially when you seek the wrong means to fill that void.

Deep down I knew that this guy was not someone that I wanted to be with; even with infatuation blinding me, I knew that I deserved better.

And God knew it too, so I am thankful that this rejection was truly for my protection.

I’ve learned a lot, and still have quite a ways to go.

I must admit that I still find myself in moments of desperation, though.

Still longing for a man…and one man only.

But I’m happy to say that this guy is not the author of confusion…so when he said he wanted me too, he meant it.

And the holes in his hands remind me every day that I am worth his pursuit.

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But my heart is gold, see I took back my soul
And totally let my creator control
The life which was His…

...to begin with

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Me and Lauryn are definitely ending on the same note.